Spinach & Ricotta Pasta Bake

Sometimes I feel like my casserole dishes are unreasonably small.  You know what I mean - stop pretending you don't.  You start to make a recipe and it's great.  This is looking awesome.  Oh no! Shit! Shit! Everything is overflowing and you're not even finished putting it all in the pan? WHAT THE HELL, CASSEROLE DISH!? What. The. Hell?

This can't just happen to me.  I cope with this either by putting everything into two casserole dishes or by smashing it down ridiculously and hoping that I'm squishing it enough to fit into one.  It rarely ends well and I usually forget to put a baking sheet underneath so I end up with a horrific mess in my oven.  This is one of those recipes.  Save yourself a mess - spread it out into two dishes unless you have one very large one.

Spinach & Ricotta Pasta Bake

Serves: 8

Total Time: 60 minutes

Ingredients:

300g angel hair pasta
1 - 400g tin diced tomatoes
1 - 800ml jar tomato puree
150g fresh baby spinach
300g ricotta cheese
4 eggs
150g sour cream
1/2 cup mozzarella
salt and pepper

Instructions:

1. Preheat your oven to 200C/400F and lightly oil a very large oven-proof dish (Or two, as discussed above.  The original recipe I based this on called for a shallow dish.  AHAHAHAHAHA bullshit.)

2. Bring a large pot of water to boil on the stove.  Add the angel hair pasta and stir until starting to flex (this will prevent clumps of it sticking).  Drain the cooked pasta and stir in a small amount of olive oil to prevent a giant clump.  Allow to cool (seriously, let it cool, you have to touch this shit with your hands).
3. Spread the tin of diced tomatoes along the bottom of the pan.  Top with half of the spinach, half of the pasta and half of the ricotta.  Pour half of the tomato puree over the ricotta.  Follow with the remaining spinach and the remaining pasta.  Pour over the last of the tomato puree; top with the remaining ricotta.
4. Whisk together the eggs and the sour cream in a large jug until combined.  Season with salt and pepper.
5. Pour the egg mixture over the pasta and sprinkle with mozzarella.
6. Bake, uncovered, for 40 minutes or until lightly browned and set.

So bad for you - yet so...so good.

Nutrition Facts
Amount Per Serving
Calories		345.8
Total Fat		13.2 g
	Saturated Fat	6.3 g
	Polyunsaturated Fat	1.0 g
	Monounsaturated Fat	3.6 g
Cholesterol		165.4 mg
Sodium		678.5 mg
Potassium		883.0 mg
Total Carbohydrate		40.3 g
	Dietary Fiber	6.0 g
	Sugars	5.9 g
Protein		19.5 g

*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.

Spaghetti with Chili and Asparagus

I'm trying new things this month - and one of those is stepping outside of my comfort zone with things like food spiciness.  I've never been a fan of chillies.  I don't have a lot of heat tolerance most of the time but have tended to be downright paranoid with it.

This was fantastic.  It contains two whole chillies and you'd think that makes it super spicy - but it had only the tiniest hint of spice unless you were actually chewing on bits of chilli (Don't do that.  Aaaaugh burn.).  Most of the chilli in the bites you take won't go through such a direct crushing process and you miss the vast majority of the potential heat.  My son's biggest complaint about the existence of the chillies was, "I don't know what this is.  I don't want it." and that's just 4 year olds.

I want to start this with a couple of relevant tips.  A lot of people avoid things like chillies and asparagus because they don't know how to best prepare them.  What parts do I eat? How do I cut them up?  Let me help you with that by showing you (or rather telling you) what I do.

Chillies

So a recipe once suggested that you put chillies into your meal - thinly sliced.  Sweet.  You're going to be a total badass and try this with a mild chilli.  Fuck yeah!

You grab a whole chilli, cut the stem-end off and then slice it finely into rings full of seeds.  You toss it with your meal.  You immediately feel as though you were horribly lied to.  This shit is absurdly spicy.  It's almost inedible.  OMG make the burn stop!

Many recipes unfortunately neglect some basic instructions on exactly HOW to process certain vegetables such as chillies.  They assume a certain level of knowledge that should -never- be assumed.

So here's how I do it.  This works so much better.  Don't be afraid of chillies.  It'll be okay.

1. Keep your hands completely away from your face until you have finished.  For serious.
2.. Cut the stem end off of your chilli.
3. Slice the chilli in half lengthwise.
4. With super clean hands, use your thumbnail to scrape out the ENTIRE inside of the chili.  We want to discard of all of the seeds and membranes.  Contrary to popular belief - the heat is in the membranes, not the seeds.  Get all of that shit out unless a LOT of heat is what you WANT.
5. Set your chili skins aside and clean your cutting area of all membranes and seeds as well as the juice from these parts.  This will reduce the heat of your final dish.
6. On a fresh cutting surface, finely slice your chili skins and add to your dish.
7. Wash your hands -very, very, very thoroughly-.  I usually have to wash mine (including under my nails) at least twice before I can touch my eyes, lips or mouth without it burning.

Asparagus

I avoided asparagus for a long time.  When I tried to prepare it I was overcooking it terribly or undercooking it.  I would eat it past its freshest and I would include the woody parts because I didn't know how to properly prepare it.  This is what I have learned.

* Asparagus is best when either steamed lightly, blanched or roasted.  Squishy is bad.  You want a little crunch.
* The woody, inedible bits of asparagus getting you down? Easily fixed.  Hold the asparagus in your hands and flex it along the stem until it breaks.  It will snap almost precisely along the line where the stem becomes woody.
* Choosing asparagus at the store isn't, unfortunately, as simple as grabbing a bunch and hoping for the best.  After I finally learned how to identify fresh asparagus, I realized that many of the bunches at my local shops were very over ripe.  Asparagus should be firm and crisp.  If you hold up a stalk at one end, it should not bend downward with its own weight.  It should never be wrinkled (as asparagus will tend to become when it starts to wilt).   The tips should be firm when you pinch them.  If they are squishy, it is rotting.

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Knew all of that already? Sweet - you're totally better informed than I was when I started cooking (I couldn't make toast, seriously). Let's move on to the recipe bits.

Spaghetti with Chili and Asparagus

Serves 4

Total Time: 25 minutes

Ingredients

100ml olive oil

16 asparagus spears, cut into 5cm pieces

400g spaghetti

150g rocket, chopped

2 small red chillies, deseeded and chopped

1 lemon - zested and juiced into a bowl

1 clove garlic, minced

120g parmesan cheese

Instructions

1. Bring a large pot of water to boil on the stove.  Add 1 tablespoon of olive oil and a pinch of salt. 

2. Blanch the asparagus for 3-4 minutes.  Remove with a slotted spoon and immediately run under cold water (this halts the cooking process). Drain and set asdie to cool.

3. Return the water to the stove and bring back to a boil.

4. Add the spaghetti - cooking until just al dente.  Drain and return to the pan.

5. Meanwhile, add the rocket, lemon zest and juice, garlic and 65g of the Parmesan to the asparagus and toss.

6. Add this mix to the pasta, pouring over the remaining olive oil.  Season lightly with salt and pepper.  

7. Mix to coat - divide among 4 bowls and top with the remaining Parmesan.  Serve hot.

Tomato & Mango Salad

I've tried to get more creative with salads these days.  I'm that person who makes a main dish and then suddenly realizes that we can't eat just meat for dinner - about 5 minutes before we're meant to be having dinner.  I'm super grown up, for serious.

So I looked at what I had in my fridge (oh shit, overripe mango!) and whipped up this salad - which was a total and utter hit.  Especially with my 4 year old.   He gobbled his up and asked for more without even touching his (stupidly delicious) chicken.  Pardon the imprecise measurements - I made this on the fly.

Mango & Tomato Salad

Serves 4
Total Time: 5 minutes

Ingredients

1 cup of rocket
1 mango, cubed
2 tomatoes, cut into 1 inch pieces
mozzarella (I used string cheese because I'm ultra classy)
fresh lemon juice
honey

Instructions

1. In a medium bowl, toss together the cubed mango, tomatoes and rocket.
2. Slice a cheese stick if, like me, you are the classiest bitch around and don't actually bother with fancy schmancy stuff like bocconcini (which I totally can't spell without having to look up - shut up, you know it happens to you too).
3. In a small bowl, mix together small amounts of fresh lemon juice and honey until the dressing is tangy but not too sour - sweet, but not sickly.  Grind in a little fresh black pepper.
4. Toss the dressing with the salad and serve.

A lovely summer salad that my kid went nuts for!  We served this with Roasted Chicken Breasts with Leeks, Basil & Lemon.

Roasted Chicken Breasts With Leeks, Basil & Lemon

It's been a while.  My memory is awful and I've been super busy with my attempts to shave down my ass ever-so-slightly.  When I get home and my body hurts, the last thing I often want to do is even cook dinner - let alone then blog about having cooked dinner. 

However this month is full of excellent recipes and experiments and I intend to share more of them with my lovely peeps.  Also you guys. The chickens don't appreciate my recipes as much as I wish they would, the bastards.

I apologize for my epically shitty pictures.  I don't have a good camera and am stuck with using my phone in a mostly quite dark house.  I have, however, ordered a good camera so things should improve dramatically within a week or so.

Roast Chicken Breasts w/Leeks, Basil & Lemon

Serves 4
Total Time: 45 minutes

Ingredients

1kg leeks
1 tablespoonolive oil
2 tablespoons chicken stock
30g butter, softened
zest of one lemon
2 tablespoons chopped basil
2 cloves of garlic, minced
4 chicken breasts

Directions

1. Preheat your oven to 240C/475F.
2. Trim the leeks and slice thinly.  Toss with the oil in a baking dish and season lightly.  Cover with foil and roast for 15 minutes.
3. Meanwhile, combine the butter, chicken stock, lemon zest, basil and garlic in a small bowl.
4. Lay the chicken breasts atop the leeks and score them lightly.
5. Spread the basil and lemon mixture atop the chicken breasts, pushing it gently into the scores.
6. Roast, uncovered for 20 minutes or until the chicken is cooked thoroughly.  Spoon the juices over the breasts every 10 minutes until completely cooked.

Note: Mine actually took about 40 minutes to cook. Chicken cooking times can vary quite a bit and my oven takes ages to cook everything - we think we need to replace the seals (already - it's 3 years old).  Basting constantly is, of course, optional - but it can be the difference between melt-in-your-mouth chicken and dry-as-fuck chicken so....keep that in mind.

Enjoy!  It was delicious! My 4 year old wouldn't touch it.  SUCKER! More for me!

Spicy Pan Fried Chicken Wings Recipe

In the eternal search to find something that my son will eat and that the rest of the family finds delicious (this morning he requested a carrot with a piece of ham wrapped around it, dipped in ketchup), I came across a recipe for fried chicken wings.  My first attempt was abysmal.  My second attempt was pretty bad.  Several months later and many, many changes to the original recipe later - this is my result.

Tender, juicy and (just a little) spicy fried chicken wings.  My entire family loves them and they are a massive hit for dinner.

Spicy Pan Fried Chicken Wings

Makes 16 pieces

Ingredients

8 chicken wings

1/3 cup plain flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon granulated garlic powder

1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper

1 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1 teaspoon smoked paprika

1 cup breadcrumbs

2 large eggs

3 tablespoons milk

1 -2 cup cooking oil of your choice

Instructions

Firstly, to prepare your chicken wings you'll want to cut them into pieces.  This video illustrates the process beautifully.  We'll be using the "wingette" also called the "mid-joint" and the "drumettes".  The wing tips are great for feeding to your pets and will help clean their teeth.  You can also boil them to make stock.

Rinse your prepared wings in cold water and pat dry with clean paper towels.  Chicken wings that are too moist will make it difficult for the coating to stick.

In a large bag or plastic container, combine your flour, salt, garlic powder, pepper, cayenne pepper and paprika.  Add the chicken wings and toss well to coat.  Refrigerate the chicken (I leave it in the seasoning) for at least 30 minutes - preferably 2 hours.  The more chilled your chicken is before you cook it, the better the coating will stick.

Meanwhile, whisk together the eggs and milk and set aside.  Pour your breadcrumbs into a bowl.  Heat your oil in a heavy pan to 165C (I use my multimeter for this, you can just as easily use a kitchen thermometer).  Much higher and your chicken will burn but be raw in the middle.  Much lower and your chicken will be greasier and the coating will not be as crisp.  This takes practice.  Lots of practice.

Once chilled, remove your wings from the refrigerator.  One at a time, dip each piece first in the egg mixture and then roll through the breadcrumbs.  If you missed any spots with the egg mixture you can apply it with a pastry brush without having to dip the entire wing back in the mixture.

Using tongs, put the uncooked chicken into the hot oil 5-6 pieces at a time.  Leave some space between the pieces.  Overcrowding the pieces will affect the temperature of the oil and give an inconsistent cook.

Cook for 6-8 minutes, then turn the chicken pieces and cook again for another 6-8 minutes.

I have overcrowded them and had to cook these a little longer because of it.

Test for doneness by cutting into the thickest part of the wing and checking for any pink meat.

Remove your chicken wings from the oil, giving them a very gentle tap on the edge of the pan to shake off a bit of the excess oil before placing them on a stack of absorbent paper towels.  This will remove even more oil.  I sometimes like to put them in a box completely lined with paper towels and give them a little shake - but I can't stand greasy food.

Serve immediately with vegetables.  Chips also go very nicely with these and you can re-use the oil!

Carrot and Ginger Soup Recipe

I'm on a ketosis diet at the moment.  Don't judge.  It works for me and my doctor knows what's up, so I'm not doing anything that is going to hurt me.  Sometimes I just need a little help getting my hunger signals under control.

Anyway, what that means is that my diet consists entirely of protein shakes and non-starchy vegetables.  It's harder to find delicious things to eat when your diet is so limited.  Harder, but certainly not impossible.

Carrot & Ginger Soup

Serves 4-6

Ingredients

2 lugs of olive oil
1 yellow onion, peeled and diced
3 spring onions finely sliced
3 cloves of garlic, minced
2kg (2.2 pounds) of carrots peeled and chopped
4 cups chicken stock (I use homemade chicken stock so sodium is at a minimum)
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
2 tsp ground ginger (or 1.5tbsp freshly grated ginger)
1/4 tsp fresh ground black pepper
2 tbsp whole almonds

Instructions

In a medium saucepan over a low flame, heat your olive oil.  Add to the pan the garlic, spring onion and yellow onion and toss with a wooden spoon until glassy.

Add the carrots, giving them a good stir to coat them in the olive oil, garlic and onions and cook for about five minutes, stirring occasionally.

Sprinkle in the nutmeg, ginger and pepper - stir for another minute or until fragrant.

Pour in the chicken stock and bring to a boil. Simmer for 10-15 minutes or until the carrot is tender.  Remove from heat.

When the soup has cooled significantly, place into a blender with the almonds to puree (or use a stick blender).  Do not attempt to blend the soup while it is hot unless you're a masochist and you really love getting horrific burns and boiling soup on your eyeballs.  It isn't pleasant.

Serve hot with a dollop of sour cream, a garnish of chives and a sprinkling of pepper.  Goes nicely with a slice of lovely crusty bread.

For people trying to watch their waistline, this is also a really healthy dinner when served without sour cream or bread.

Per serving:

Calories		182.8
Total Fat		8.8 g
	Saturated Fat	1.0 g
	Polyunsaturated Fat	1.5 g
	Monounsaturated Fat	5.9 g
Cholesterol		0.0 mg
Sodium		499.1 mg
Potassium		740.9 mg
Total Carbohydrate		23.5 g
	Dietary Fiber	6.9 g
	Sugars	9.5 g
Protein		4.5 g

Australian Meat Pie Recipe

The Australian meat pie wasn't something that I encountered or had even heard of until I got here.  We had pot pies in the United States but those are extremely different to a meat pie.  Pot pies are something like a thick meat and vegetable stew in a crust whereas a meat pie is meat and gravy in a crust.  It's hard to explain how different it is - but it's very, very different.

Traditionally meat pies are made into little single serving pies - but they can also be made into larger pies for a whole family to share - this is the type that I made.

Australian Meat Pie

Makes 2 large family pies

Ingredients

Filling:

olive oil
2 diced onions
1kg beef mince
2 cups beef stock
2 tablespoons corn starch
2 tablespoons Worchestershire sauce
1.5 cups tomato sauce (what Australians call ketchup)
2 tablespoons barbecue sauce
2 teaspoons Vegemite

Crust:

500g plain flour
250g chilled, unsalted butter, cubed
2 eggs, cold
2 tablespoon icewater
2 pinch salt (or 1/8 tsp, whichever you prefers)

Instructions

Crust (do this first as it must chill):

Place your flour, butter and a pinch of salt in your food processor.  Blend until the combination looks like bread crumbs.  There should be no significant chunks of butter left.

Whisk together the egg and icewater.  Add to the food processor while it is running and continue mixing until the mixture comes together.

Remove from the food processor and turn out onto a counter or cutting board.  It should not stick to the surface even if it is unfloured.  Bring it together into a ball and flatten it with your hands or a rolling pin until you have a disc.  Wrap in plastic wrap and place in the refrigerator for chilling.

Shortcrust pastry must be chilled before baking.  The colder it is immediately before you pop it in the oven, the crispier your result.  Generally you would chill this disc for 2 hours.  Since heat transfer is linear, the thinner the object, the faster it will chill.  If you are in a hurry - flatten the dough as much as possible.  I roll mine out to 5mm thickness and chill it for 20-30 minutes.

Filling:

In a large saucepan, put a couple lugs of olive oil into the pan over medium heat.  Add the onion and stir until lightly browned.  Add the beef mince and break up, browning.

Meanwhile, separate 2 tablespoons of your beef stock into a small bowl and stir through 2 tablespoons of cornstarch to make a thick paste.  Add back into the rest of the beef stock and bring to a boil in a medium saucepan along with the rest of the filling ingredients (sauces and Vegemite).  When the sauce is hot and has thickened, turn heat off and set aside.

Drain the excess oil from your browned beef mince and onion and stir the prepared sauce through the mince.  Let cool completely (putting a hot sauce into your pie crust will make the butter in it melt before it hits the oven, leaving you with a chewier crust that isn't as crisp).

To assemble your pie:

Preheat oven to 220C

Spray or coat a standard pie dish with oil.  Roll out your pastry to 1/4 inch (6mm) thickness.   Place your pie dish upside down over the pastry and with a sharp knife cut all around the edges of the pie dish - allowing one extra inch of pastry for the sides.  Set this round aside.  Roll out another piece of pastry that will cover your pie.  Place the pie tin down onto the pastry and this time cut flush to the edge all the way around.  You now have your top crust and bottom crust.

Place the bottom crust into the bottom of the pan.  Form to the bottom and sides and trim any excess.

Fill the crust with your cooled pie filling all the way to the top.

Brush milk or water along the edges of the crust - this will help the two crusts stick.

Place your top crust on top of the filled pie and press all along the edges.

If you're feeling insane you can add an incredibly sad cow with some scrap pastry.  He looks mournful - like this pie was baked using his brother.  It probably was.  His brother was delicious.

Coat your pie crust in an egg wash and we're ready for baking.

Bake for 20-30 minutes.  Your pie is finished when the crust is a lovely golden brown and your sad cow looks mournful AND brown.

I shall name him Beefy.  His depression was tasty.

Cut into slices and serve to your hungry family!

This recipe will make 2 pies which will feed 6-8 people each.  To freeze a pie - simply complete the steps but wrap and freeze prior to baking.

Pizza Pops Recipe

My son's birthday is coming up and I wanted to make as much as possible by myself since we're on such a strict budget.

I decided to make these lovely pizza pops!

They're super easy to make and kids love them.

First, the pizza dough.

Basic Pizza Dough

Ingredients

1.5 cups self-raising flour
1/8tsp (or a pinch) of salt
1 egg
2 tbsp olive oil
1/2 cup milk

Instructions

Place your self raising flour and a pinch of salt into a bowl and make a well in the centre.

In another bowl, beat together the egg, olive oil and milk.  Pour into the well in your flour and stir until thoroughly combined.

Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead gently until the dough has reached an even consistency.

Pizza Pops

Ingredients

Prepared pizza dough
100g diced ham
100g mozzarella
100g crushed pineapple, drained well
1 jar tomato-based pasta sauce

Instructions

Preheat your oven to 220C

Press your dough out into a rough, rectangular shape about 1/2 inch thick that is about twice as long as it is wide.

Cut the dough into 1/2 inch wide strips.  Roll each strip into little discs - you may have to press them down as you do this to avoid creating cones from your dough as it will attempt to push upward.

Top each disc with a little pasta sauce, pineapple and ham and then sprinkle with mozzarella cheese.  Repeat until all have been prepared.

Place mini pizzas on a lightly oiled baking sheet or on wax paper and bake for 15-20 minutes or until the crust is browned and the cheese is melted.

When cooled slightly, press a kitchen skewer up through the bottom of the pizza pop careful not to go all the way through (or it will just slide down).

Voilà!  Pizza pops.

How many this makes will depend on how thin you cut your strips and how long your rectangle is to begin with.  Mine made about 15.

Simple Macaroni And Cheese

Macaroni and Cheese.  There aren't many people who aren't fans of this delicious comfort food.  What you might not know is that making your own homemade macaroni and cheese takes about the same amount of time as making it from a box.  This recipe is a very simple homemade version with a lot of great flavour.

Because I love a bit of sour tang and spice - I've added a bit of horseradish cream to my macaroni and cheese.  If you're not a fan of horseradish or you want a more traditional macaroni and cheese - just leave it out.

Macaroni and Cheese

Ingredients

50g butter
2 tablespoons plain flour
2 cups milk
1 tablespoon horseradish cream
2 cups shredded cheddar
salt & pepper to taste
500g macaroni pasta

Instructions

Cook the pasta according to the instructions and drain well.

Meanwhile, in a medium saucepan over medium heat, melt the butter.  Whisk in the 2tbsp flour until it forms a smooth paste.  I like to add pepper now - but you can add it at any time.  Continue cooking for one minute, whisking constantly.

Slowly add the milk.  If you add it too quickly the flour will turn into lumps within the milk. If you add it too slowly you'll scald your milk.  What we want to do do here is turn that butter and flour paste into a creamy sauce known as a white sauce.  Stir constantly but slowly.

Add in the horseradish cream (or not, if you don't like it).

Bring the sauce just barely to a boil and turn it down to simmer.  Add your cheese in several parts, stirring until melted after each addition.

When all of the cheese is melted and the sauce is hot - remove from heat and add the pasta, blending completely.   Add salt and pepper a bit at a time until the flavour is right for you.  I'm a big fan of pepper so I probably added nearly 2tsp - but that might be too much for most, sane people. >.>

Serve hot and enjoy!

Potato and Leek Soup

It's winter! While it's been unseasonably warm (thanks, Global Warming), it's starting to feel half-frigid now.  Time for some hearty dishes to fight the winter chill!

So today I thought I would make an Australian favourite - Potato and Leek soup.   It's so easy my three year old Xander could probably make it. If he could read and use knives (don't let your three year old use knives, yo).

Potato and Leek Soup

Serves 8-10

Ingredients

1 tablespoon oliveoil

2 large leeks, sliced (white part only)

4 garlic cloves, smashed with a hammer like the son of a bitch who cut you off in traffic today.  That's it, get it out (but only in your mind, don't assault people - it's not great for long-term survival)

1kg potatoes - wash, peel, chop

2 litres chicken stock

Salt, pepper, sour cream (to serve)

Instructifications

Heat the olive oil in a large saucepan. Add the leeks and garlic - stirring for 3 minutes until softened.

Add the potatoes.  Cook, stirring for 5 minutes.

Pour in the chicken stock, sprinkle with salt and pepper, cover and bring to a boil.

Reduce heat and simmer for 15-20 minutes or until the potato is very soft.  Remove from heat and let sit for 15 minutes.  No seriously.  If you try to blend freshly boiled soup you'll get burning death all over you.

If you have a stick blender, blend the entire pot of soup at once.  If not, blend in small batches until smooth.  Season to taste.  Serve with fresh ground pepper, a dollop of sour cream and a crusty bread.

Braided Chili Loaf

Braided and stuffed loaves are something that I only recently came across - but now that I've made one, I think that I might be in love.  It's too easy.  I only photographed the part where we work the dough - as the rest is pretty self-explanatory.

At its basest - this is just a loaf of bread stuffed with a very basic chili con carne.

Braided Chili Loaf

Ingredients

Bread:

7g active dry yeast
3/4 cup warm water
2 tbsp butter, melted
1 tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
2 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour

Filling:

500g beef mince
1 medium onion, diced
1 can kidney beans
3/4 cup water
3tbsp chili seasoning
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 1/2 cups shredded cheese

In a large mixing bowl, dissolve the yeast in the warm water.

Add butter, sugar, salt, one of the eggs and 1 1/2 cups flour - combine until smooth.

Add enough of the remaining flour to form a soft dough.  Turn onto a lightly floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic - about 6-8 minutes.

Place in a lightly oiled bowl, turning to coat it.  Cover the bowl with a cloth and place in a warm area to rise until doubled.  This will take approximately 1 hour.

Meanwhile, in a large frying pan - cook the beef, onion and garlic over medium/high heat until meat is no longer pink - drain.

Add the chili seasoning and stir continuously for one minute.

Stir in the beans and water and bring to a boil (If you have enough water to justify it.  If my pan is really hot when I add the water, it basically de-glazes the spices off of the pan and turns into a thick sauce within seconds.). Simmer until thickened.

When the dough has risen - punch it down and knead it until elastic and smooth again - about 2 minutes.

Preheat your oven to 175C (350F)

Place your dough on top of a sheet of wax paper NOW.  You'll notice that in my pictures I did not do this until the end and it was a pain in the ass. Don't make my mistake, people.

Using a rolling pin - roll the dough out until it is a rectangle roughly 16 inches x 10 inches.

You can see that mine is a bit on the long side - this is fine.

You want to leave about 2 inches on either side of your filling to make your strips.  I can tend to underestimate this sort of thing badly - so I lightly scored the dough with a paring knife all the way around.

Place your filling in the centre of your dough.  If you want to - you can sprinkle with cheese at this point.  I chose to leave my loaf cheese-free but it will be gooey and delicious with cheese.

Start to cut diagonal slices in the dough on the sides - leaving a large wedge at each end.

On the other side - cut even slices - matching the first set.

To finish the cuts, change direction and mirror your slices.

Now to "braid" your loaf.  First - fold over the ends of the dough.

Starting with one side, begin to fold over the strips.  First one...

Then another...

Continue until you reach the middle.  Lay one of the middle pieces over the other and then tuck under gently.

Now finish your "braiding".  Mine is very messy.  I could have done it prettier but I'm more about function - not about presentation.  Xander and Simon couldn't care less how pretty their food is.  They're just going to shove it into their faces no matter how fucked up it looks - as long as it TASTES delicious. *sigh* No class.

Transfer your loaf into a baking dish.  I actually don't have a single cookie sheet - believe it or not - so I used a casserole dish. :P

Whooops - almost forgot my egg wash! Beat the second egg in a small bowl and brush it over your bread. I also sprinkled on some sesame seeds because I fucking love them.  No other reason.

Bake at 175C (350F) for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown on top.

Remove to a wire rack and allow 10 minutes for cooling before slicing and serving.  Enjoy!